Who am I...Really? What I mean by this is; do you truly know who you are and what your are worth? I know for most of my life and even now from time to time I tend to forget. The superficial media will have you believe that you have to be a certain size, bench press a certain amount or sleep with countless and faceless amounts of people to "find yourself", and Biblically speaking that is so far from the actual truth.
This lie society feeds us all stems from our own insecurities and believe me I have had and still have plenty of insecurities myself. It's different for men and women. For men it's the macho mentality, I have to be tough, fit, and achieve a social status higher than most other men in my circle. If I get that car, then they'll like me, if I get that job, then I'll be set. For women it may be similar but usually it's more sexual. If I wear it this low-cut will you notice me? If I hike it up (skirt) this high will you accept me? If I lose ten more pounds then he will want me? All these are lies the media feeds us and all are so very far from what God intended.
At a very young age I was made aware of my story. The story of my coming into this world. In short, my Mother had one son already and when my biological Father found out she was pregnant with a second child, he (bio-father) didn't want me, and brought up the idea of abortion. A few things here, one, this was something that a child just shouldn't know at the age of five, and two, thank God the abortion wasn't even a option or afterthought in my Mother's mind. Bio-Father ended up walking out and leaving my pregnant Mother stranded with my brother in an hotel somewhere in Washington; at least those are the facts as I know them.
What this did to me well into my mid-twenties and early thirties is question other peoples intentions and motives when it came to relationships. For a very long time I was closed-off to others and wouldn't let anyone close to me; the real me. Additionally, I was immensely insecure about myself in multiple areas. I had little to no self-worth and my basic thought process whenever I was in what was looking to become a long-term relationship was, "Get out now, while you can...If you own Father didn't want you why would she?" At times I hated myself and who I was. These were a few of the demons I wrestled with over the past two decades.
Fast forward to about 2008 and at this point I'd been married three years to wonderful God-sent woman that to this day I don't know what I did to deserve and I feel God calling me (us) back to Him. Basically, it was time to stop "playing church" and start finding out who God is for myself. Up until this point I was a self-proclaimed believer but was merely living on my Parents and Grandparents faith. I hadn't yet experienced God on my own and for myself, so the journey truly began right then and there. I spent time with God and He showed me that I was wounded at a very young with the knowledge of my bio-Father's desire to abort me and that He (God) wanted to heal that wound.
Through much prayer and God's grace He did heal me and also reminded me that He (God) provided everything I needed. My Step-Father, the Man I call "Dad" today, was then and still is today a God-ordained man who showed me Biblical values and always told me that the most important thing in life is my relationship with God. And as I studied the Bible for myself the more and more I began to see this was true.
I say all that to say this. During this time of God healing my wound of rejection I dealt a lot with an unclear identity of who I was and what I was worth. I always felt I didn't measure up to anyone and that I was always on the tail-end of things. Thoughts that I wasn't good enough and thoughts that everyone would eventually leave me were always there. I was smack dab in the middle of a full-fledged identity crisis. I studied and found peace in many different portions of God's word but the one scripture specifically that really opened my eyes is found in the book of Jeremiah chapter 1 verse 5 it reads, "Before I made you in your mother's womb, I knew you." That's powerful and to someone whose thoughts consisted of self-doubt and self-hate this spoke volumes to me then and even now reminds me that God's plan for me although yet unfinished will be fulfilled. Although within the context of this scripture was God speaking to the prophet Jeremiah as I read this and really wrapped my mind around it, God told me, not audibly but assuredly, "This is for you too..."
“Before I made you in your mother’s womb, I knew you." (Jeremiah 1:5a ERV)Who are you...really? Are you sure you even know? Do you have feelings or thoughts that you aren't good enough? Are you afraid to let people in because you are afraid they'll just leave you? I've been there and the only way these wounds and your broken heart can mend is through God's grace and mercy. Apart from God there is no other way to fix this broken part of your soul. Sure you'll try, I tried, with countless amounts of sleeping around, pornography, drinking, and running away from God and towards what this world has to offer. When it's all said and done in the end it will all just leave you empty and alone.
"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds." (Psalm 147:3 NLT)Start by just getting alone with God and talking to Him. Share your fears, doubts and frustrations with Him. Honesty in prayer is the key, my most intimate times in prayer are when I've been completely transparent with God. Also, get in your Bible, nowadays Bibles are everywhere; online, apps, paperback, hardback, eBooks, etc there's not any excuse. And lastly, just be encouraged that God does love you and cares for you. So much so that He knows the very number of hairs that are on your head; think about it, that's amazing!
"God knows how many hairs you have on your head." (Luke 12:7a NLT)The link below "Knowing Who I Am in Christ" is great quick reference sheet of scriptures that will remind you of the value and worth that you have in Christ.
Take Care & God Bless
-E
